10. “This iPod scratches just like my records did!”

9. “There’s no Web site called ...

10. It consists of walking to your backyard full of inflatable palm trees and submersing yourself in a kiddie pool.

9. Your itinerary inclu...

10. All scenes involving any actor previously nominated for a Razzie will be cut.

9. Oprah makes a special appearance to one theater every ...

10. Dump the country’s tea inventory into the Boston Harbor.

9. Vote for free postage so people won’t always be reminded of the...

10. It’s OK to collectively call them firemen.

9. Their gear contains an oxygen tank.

8. One of the daily chores at the stati...

10. Hotter than … a word we’re not allowed to print.

9. So hot you brand your arm on your seatbelt every time you get in your ...

10. Buy a pet goat to eat your garbage, tin cans and all.

9. Abandon paper and revert to writing all notes on your arms. 

8. S...

10. How to navigate around neon orange cones and holes in the pavement to get downtown.

9. Not just how to milk a cow, but why tipping the ...

10. Multiple McDonald’s locations within sight of the battlefield offer more dining options for soldiers.

9. Gravity-flow water backp...

10. Drivers would make way for The Flash on Interstate 81.

9. News crews would snap into action when they saw the Bat-Signal.

8. Th...

10. Go crazy at a 10 for $10 sale at one of the grocery stores, and stock up on two years’ worth of canned food.

9. Fill your gas tan...

10. Global warming will cause another Ice Age, at least according to Dennis Quaid.

9. In 2019, the United States government plans to thwart...

10. Make the library your second home — but find a spot as far from the children’s section as possible. 

9. Join a monaste...

10. You have a strong pre-Garth or post-Garth preference — and you refer to him only as Garth.

9. You’ve been everywhere, man &...

10.  You know it’s rude to chew gum … without offering a piece to the interviewer, as well.

9.  Tell the interviewer...

10. Read a blog from a new country every week and be grateful for Google translator. 

9. Cover your arm in those swanky rubber bracele...

10. Download songs from the most obscure bands you can find.

9. Update your outfit with skinny jeans, black T-shirts, hoodies and Converse ...

10. No one asks what your name is; they just refer to you as “intern.”

9. During your lunch breaks, staff members complain to y...

10. Blacks Run can’t possibly get any grosser; it might as well be green.  

9. People will stop teasing you about wearing t...

10. Envision flip-fops and fewer layers on the JMU students you see walking to class.

9. Spray paint the grass in your yard bright green and ...

10. Copies of any of the following: "How to Love the Job You Hate," "The Abolition of Work," "White Collar Slacker's H...

10. Lifetime supplies of pens, paper, quills, new computers and other writing tools.

9. The abolition of all reality shows, news broadcasts a...

10. Let The Doors' "Roadhouse Blues" play on repeat. The more you hear, "Keep your eyes on the road, your hands upon the wheel,&...

10. Receiving all the error reports every time somebody gets booted off Internet Explorer. 

9. Retrieving golf balls from the water. ...

10. He tries to get you to ask, "Doctor who?" then laughs maniacally and quotes the first episode.

9. At every visit, he summarize...

10. The 2008 Presidential     Candidates Feign Friendliness

9. American Idol Auditions Gone Bad

8. All the Sounds Y...

10. "You wanted the unicorn jumping over a rainbow of flowers and bunnies right next to the Harley Davidson tat, right?"

9. "...

10. Start using a cart at the grocery store instead of a motorized chair.

9. Eat more than just Easy Mac and Ramen every day.

8. Do l...

Ten phrases that will save you money:

10. "You can't spend what you can't find." Let your dog bury your paychecks in the ba...

2008: President Gore requires people to cut down on their personal energy use so there's more power for his Tennessee mansion.

2009: Appl...

10. You save money by uprooting a tree from the neighbor's front yard.

9. Misunderstanding the lyrics, you try to deck your halls with ba...

10. Save 10 percent on all your purchases by signing up for credit cards at every store. This will also extend the Christmas season, because you...

Age: 38

Zodiac sign: Virgo

Birthplace: Rockingham County

Favorite chil...

10. Can I roast the turkey in the microwave?

9. I don't want to buy a meat thermometer to use once a year. Can I just stick in the one I...

10. Letterman only makes jokes about Leno's chin and Leno only jokes about Letterman's teeth. That's all the material they need.

...

10. Former presidents stop writing books and start blogging.

9. Senate meetings now take place via chatroom.

8. The Oval Office insta...

10. You've been teasing the strange, shy new kid at school.

9. Your car won't start.

8. Your car finally starts, but you forgot...

10. More than one room in your house is decorated with dog bones and paw prints.

9. You've given up reading anything but "Dog World,...

10. When your girlfriend shows up for your date, you ask who's red and who's blue.

9. You haven't removed the Spartan helmet that...

10. Pizza is just as good a breakfast food as scrambled eggs or yogurt.

9. Do all your shopping in the candy aisle.

8. Go back for sec...

10. Sitting in traffic beside a truck full of squawking chickens is the norm.

9. You endure long lines to get Kline's ice cream during c...

10. Go to Disney World! Except Britney, a former Mouseketeer, will be kicked out for indecent exposure.

9.  Britney will capitalize on h...

10. Voldemort reveals he's Harry's father, right after he slices his hand off with a light saber.

9. Harry, swimming in teenage angst...

10. Cocoons before they hatch. Fragile, exotic and no fuss!

9. Ants. Tough to catch and harder to hold onto, ants could be called exotic.

10. "Lover I Don't Have to Love" by Bright Eyes. Nothing gets a party started like a song about giving up on love.

9. "Aga...

10. Recording albums and automatically placing them for sale on iTunes.

9. Evil. The iPhone is actually a high-tech voodoo device.

8. A...

10. Dunder-Mifflin Summer Program: Children learn how to decorate their cubicles and draft memos.

9. HGTV Summer of Fun: Campers do landscape...

10. You're packing your laptop in hopes of picking up some wireless along the way.

9. You freak out whenever your cell phone signal dips...

10. You could blind people with your watch tan.

9. The color of your skin closely resembles a poppy.

8. Your peeling skin comes off i...

10. Former President and Lover of Women Bill Clinton.

9. Miss Piggy. She can bring some much-needed glamour.

8. A litter of kittens. ...

10.  A vegan option at the concessions stand.

9.  A silly mascot in a furry suit, like Timmy the Tire Gauge or Wendy the Wrench....

10. When you asked the guy who always takes your picture if he was a private eye, he said he was a paparazzi.

9. You occasionally hear the ...

10. Announce the wrong name for the couple’s big entrance.

9. Play the “Cha Cha Slide” the minute the main course is served.

8. Rep...

10. Film the next season of “The Simple Life,” with Paris behind bars and Nicole Richie becoming her warden.

9. Design a new line of low-cu...

10.  He is always stealing your best hair products.

9.  His butt looks better in your skinny jeans.

8.  He calls all...

10. Call in sick because you overslept.

9. Stroll in, reeking of suntan lotion, saying, “So sorry, I lost track of time in the tanning bed....

10. That so obviously forced smile the backup singer girls have to give him when he comes up to them, smiling and singing.

9. The faint hop...

10. Your cat, Mr. Buttons, has chewed the buttons off every coat you own.

9. When you go to pick up Mr. Buttons, he bites your nose.

10. Inflate your income because you don’t want the IRS to think you’re bad with money.

9.Try to convince the IRS you thought tax season onl...

10. “I just went through a break-up and I couldn’t see for the tears in my eyes.”

9. “I couldn’t see the stop sign because I’m color blind ...

Inspired by the recent release of “The Astronaut Farmer,” we came up with 10 suggestions for other career-switch movie plots.

10.  In ...

10. “Good Riddance” by Green Day

9. “Lust for Life” by Iggy Pop

8. “The End” by The Doors

7. “You Can Go Your Own Way” by F...

Age: 37

Birthplace: Harrisonburg

Zodiac sign: Scorpio

What would...

10. “You know our neighbor’s smashed mailbox? That was all me.”

9. “And I was so drunk, he had to carry me home from the river.”

8....

10. A year’s worth of therapy sessions with a psychiatrist.

9. Altoids.

8. The Matthew McConaughey DVD Boxed Set. Yes, such a thing...

10. She will begin a feud with her mother after calling her a “fame-moocher.”

9. Paris will get in a catfight with Posh Spice over a spray-...

10. You’ve made the American Idol phone number your emergency contact.

9. You’ve never voted in a government election, but you remember cas...

10. Posh will reason that since she’s in L.A., she can go tanner and settles on a fiery orange glow.

9. Posh will try to hit all markets wh...

10. No matter how often you call in sick, the sunlight doesn’t seem to cure guilt.

9. You’ve dubbed January “Bright Eyes Month,” celebrate...

10. Indiana Jones goes in search of the fountain of youth, which ultimately leads to the Chanel counter at Saks Fifth Avenue.

9. Indiana Jo...

10. Wearing underwear is so 2005.

9. A movie starring Al Gore delivering a lecture managed to make him look cooler than any of his SNL stin...

Age: 51

Zodiac sign: Virgo

Birthplace: Harrisonburg

Favorite dec...

Age: 46

Zodiac sign: Capricorn

Birthplace: Harrisonburg

Favorite...

10. A copy of the film “Two Weeks Notice.” Hint, hint.

9. The deluxe DVD boxed set of “Showgirls,” complete with shot glasses.

8. A...

10. Every time he hears a bell ringing, he cries imagining an angel is getting its wings.

9. When Bill Clinton cancels on movie nights....

10. Send Kevin a text message with the lyrics from my hit, “Stronger.” Remind him he is a no-hit wonder.

9. Write large check to my make-up...

10. A grandmother knocking another grandmother to the ground over a television.

9. Someone arrested for trying to steal gift certificates w...

10. You insist on being historically accurate, so you turn off the heat and fast for a few weeks to get that “starving pilgrim” look.

9. Yo...

10. “I wish I were in Provence right now.”

9. “I can’t believe I forgot to wear yellow. My publicist is going to kill me.”

8. “Runn...

10. Bobby Brown would promise Whitney he was clean, as long as putting whiskey in his cereal is legit.

9. M.C. Hammer would make his friend...

10. You tell the kids they’re being tricked by consumerism and that the only one getting a treat on Halloween is Wal-Mart.

9. You realize t...

10. He is buying the Neverland Ranch in hopes of starting a “Blade” theme park.

9. He was funding a cabaret version of “To Wong Foo: Thanks...

10. I watched an Andy Warhol documentary on YouTube for two hours during finals week.

9. I scrolled through the pictures of a former classm...

10. You smoke candy cigarettes during smoke breaks at work.

9. Your ringtone is “The Song That Never Ends” from The Lambchop Show.

10. “Here are the keys to your new house and your complimentary can of Raid roach killer.”

9. “I think you’ll really like this one. It’s go...

10.  You create a 3-D roster out of NFL bobbleheads that you adjust weekly.

9.  You buy five televisions so you never miss a mom...

10. “I thought margaritas counted as meals-on-the-go, like Slim Fast.”

9. “Mel Gibson taught me how to drive. Seriously.”

8. “I was...

10. Katie decides to show her critics she can bring sexy back to the newsroom, wearing sleeveless cocktail dresses and stilettos.

9. She s...

10. Punches the snooze button for more than two hours.

9. Pees in the bed while drunk and hours later, still hasn’t cleaned it up.

10. You get into debates over which Jess’ Lunch, Kline’s and Luigi’s locations are better.

9. You can give a stranger directions to Cootes ...

10. He’s wearing a homemade “Snakes On a Plane” T-shirt, complete with a photoshopped picture of his face on Samuel L. Jackson’s body.

9. H...

10. Caused a five-car pileup on I-81 while trying to shake it to Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous.”

9. Exercised my thumb while flipping betwee...

10. You cook s’mores on the asphalt in your driveway.

9. You suffer heat exhaustion on the walk from Wal-Mart to the Home Depot next door....

10. Casually mention how much you love the “O Brother, Where Art Thou” soundtrack.

9. Show up in a suit covered in rhinestones, a 10-gallon...

10. He starts talking to you about seven-minute abs.

9. The hot babe you picked up has an Adam’s apple.

8. He offers to pay for ga...

10. Baby has three arms.

9. Suri still has not learned how to read — and therefore has not yet read “Dianetics.”

8. Baby takes afte...

10. Kids lugged around gigantic iPods weighing almost 6 ounces.

9. People sat around watching people on t...

10. Forgetting it.

9. Agreeing to try your dad’s “Fire of Death” barbecue sauce.

8. Freaking out after you met your dad’s newest gi...

10.  Trinidad and Tobago split up after a rough match against England. Trinidad to Tobago: It’s not you, it’s me.

9.  Difference ...

10. Break out the lawn darts you’ve been hiding in the basement and teach the kids to play.

9. Invite the host’s grandmother to try out you...

10. “The truthiest      publication in town.”

9. “What it do?”

8. “More entertaining than the photo album ...

10. A broom

9. Coupon for half-off fillings at the dentist of her choice.

8. Happy Father’s Day card

7. Golf club with your...

10. Nutmegs.

9. If the United States isn’t playing well, you still have 32 other countries to watch.

8. Last names in the Cup like ...

* According to a new Fox News poll, President Bush’s approval rating is at a whopping 33 percent.

10. Go on tour with Bono

9. Throw...

10. Please wait…

9. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you...

10. It’s so much easier to throw syringes at Barry Bonds when he’s in the outfield than when he’s behind towering walls of mansion.

9. Look...

10 — Year anniversary of MACRoCk

9 — Separate panel discussions on Saturday on JMU’s campus

8 — Longest amount of time (in minutes)...

10. The Julliard Oboe     Quartet

9. James Madison University

8. Bode and Daron

7. The Magnificent Sev...

10. What number president was James Madison?FOURTH

9. What was the name of Madison’s home?MONTPELIER...

10. What number president was James Madison?

9. What was the name of Madison’s home?

8. What famous document is Madison known for w...

10. More cute girls covered only by a blanket.

9. “Arrows and Friendly Slaps on The Back” — a weekly column where people (mostly our staff)...

10. Picking a snowball fight with some middle-school punks.

9. Drinking hot cocoa by the fireplace (or space heater).

8. Try to clean t...

10. Bode Miller completes Super-G while wearing beer helmet. Misses a...

10.  I didn’t know angels flew so low.

9.  Are your legs tired? ’Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day.

8.  If I had written the alphabet, I would have put U and I together.

7.  I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

6.  If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

5.  Can I buy you a drink, or do you just prefer the cash?

4.  Who’s your friend?

3.  I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

2. If beauty were a crime, you’d be in for life.

1. That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

10. People may soon outnumber turkeys, according to latest census.

9. Trains running through downtown block not only the roads they cross, ...

10. Start fight club.

9. Invest your nest egg in waffles.

8. Get more than 1,000 Facebook buddies by adding people you don’t, or ba...

10. Bring unstable, possibly violent homeless person as date.

9. Ask your boss why he brought his mother and not his lovely wife. Apologize...

10. Burn your books before exams in ancient ritual designed to unleash the knowledge within.

9.  Show up to your exam in sweatpants. S...

10. Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

9. Furry white teddy bear re-gifted from last girlfriend.

8. Hot pants.

7. New muf...

10. Underwear — for him; for you, OK.

9. Subscription to Cosmo

8. Sex and the City: The Complete Second Season

7. Tickets t...

10.  No more dodging all the candidates slinging mud at each other.

9.  15 signs for the same candidate s...

10. “Blue, you’re my boy!” — “Old School”

9. “I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...” — “Anchorma...

10. My ex is in labor and I’m about to be a dad. Yes, I am driving the opposite direction from the hospital.

9. I’ve been drinking all nigh...

10. Recently Acquitted.

9. As Seen on TV!

8. You know me, the guy with the red, white and blue signs.

7. The Pork Pledg...

10. My alarm didn’t go off… until 5 p.m.

9. Inexplicable gastric maladies.

8. My car wouldn’t start. Probably because I didn’t put ...

10. Play Frisbee golf at Westover Park.

9. Stand shirtless somewhere near Court Square.

8. Score brownie points with girlfriend by ...

10. Rafael Palmeiro doesn’t play football.

9. One word: Dukettes.

8. Tailgating provides an excuse for getting drunk before noon....

10. Poker popularity grows in the city and Luigi’s downtown restaurant launches Tuesday poker night that fills up every week.

9. ESPN comes...